By Way of Explanation

I haven't been here much lately, since I started back at a full time job. It's been a disaster. Or perhaps better characterized as a very expensive lesson.

I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). This isn't a news flash for me, I've known I had it for the past 20 years or so. I thought I only had a mild case of it. I'm finding out differently.

Last winter, when I wasn't working, I wasn't bothered with it at all. I have full spectrum light bulbs in most of the lights in my house, and thought that did the trick. You know how if something isn't bothering you at the moment, you don't even think about it?

I started the new job August 21. It's one of those cube farm places and of course my cube isn't even close to a window. At first I was just depressed during the week, and came back alive on the weekends. That's slowly gone away until now I'm down all the time.

I've discovered that it's not the amount of sunlight, it's how often I'm exposed to sunlight. I figured that one out because I had a Scottish Games to vend at over the weekend of October 14/15. I had to take the Friday off because I have to get where I'm going and get the booth set up, to be ready when the gates open Saturday morning. It was a great games -- I cleared almost $1,000.

I saw my therapist on the Monday after. "How are you?" she asked. "Fine!" I enthused, because I was. It had been a great weekend -- I love vending! I love meeting the people, seeing the other vendors, hearing the bagpipes (yes I know, but I'm nuts about bagpipes). It was a 6 hour trip each way, so I got some driving time in too -- perfect!, since I love driving. "Fine!" I said, and then I said "but I'll probably be down by the end of the week", and I was.

I thought it was just myself, being the rebel, not wanting to have to be an adult and work for a living. But then I realized that it's because I'm not getting enough light. I've done all the obvious things: the boss put full spectrum lights in the ceiling above my desk, and I've brought in a lamp with a full spectrum bulb for my desk. I've started walking at lunch time (also good for the diabetes). I'm taking St. John's Wort, which helps a bit but not enough.

But I'm still sunk in the pits of gloom: here it is the weekend and I don't much care (sure sign of depression!). I went to bed at 9:30 last night (and I'm a terrible night owl!), read for about 15 minutes and went to sleep. Not only that, but I think my grandson is going to come over this afternoon and I don't much care about that either. (And if you've been my reader for any time at all, you'll know right away there's something wrong! When I'm not depressed, I'd move heaven and earth for those grandkids of mine!) I've done naught with my eBay business, which is a real problem as I've got stock enough to sell full-time for 3 months or more. I have dreams of adding to the vending business by starting my own line of shortbread, but I've done nothing to implement that, and the dream itself is becoming fuzzy and fading into obscurity.

My life has narrowed down to going to work, coming home, watching a video. I don't read much (& I'm a voracious reader. I have a goal of reading 100 books a year, & at this rate I won't even hit 50). I'm "too tired" to socialize much any more. I've cut back tremendously on the e-mail I get and don't have the ambition to answer what I do get. I don't shop & prepare lunches & dinners, so I'm back to buying whatever I can grab -- not a healthy situation either.

And I'm remembering that when I worked full time before, the depression was there all the time, winter or summer. Not that pinning my hopes on summer sunlight is a solution, with tonight being the night to turn the clocks back.

So I've concluded that it's how often I get out in the sunlight, not the total amount of sunlight I get. When I'm not working, I'm in a natural light environment 24/7 anyway, plus being able to get up and walk outside whenever I want to. My body knows how to take care of itself -- I do that several times an hour ... when I'm not chained to a desk in a cube farm.

I can't keep on like this. Neither can I quit the job right now. If nothing else, I need to keep it until I can finish the Redecision Therapy (which is going to help the dysthymia, the other depression I struggle with. And isn't it fun to have your very own ICD code!). I also need to have a good prudent reserve socked away. I think I'd better start some better living through chemistry, don't you?